Thursday, April 30, 2009
While I have just had an internal argument with myself about posting this, I have decided to go ahead and do so as my original intent with this blog was to have a venue to express all of my feelings with this wedding planning process.
First, to all of my friends and family reading this who have committed to being at our wedding, have made travel plans, put down deposits, bought bridesmaids dresses, etc. I apologize for the manner in which you are first receiving this news, but I just found out less than an hour ago and am still trying to emotionally decide what to do with this.
Writing helps me figure these things out, so I promise that you will get a phone call tonight from us with further condolences to you, but I thank you in advance for your graciousness and understanding in granting me this one moment to be selfish and figure things out for me.
So here it is: the Navy has said No.
No to our wedding
No to our dreams and plans
No to the wedding dress I have bought, but not even been able to try on
No to allowing us to start in this career happy and settled
No to all of our feelings and
No to our pleading on behalf of us and our family and everyone's financial contributions
They have directed my husband to be to report to his ship, somewhere in the world, at the end of June. This of course, is before our date of July 17th.
My heart is on pause right now. I have cried more in the last hour than I have in the last few years combined. My head, though, I cannot stop my head. I have so many questions.
Why, when we asked specifically not to be assigned to a ship deploying so soon were we assigned to one that was deploying well before even graduation?
Why is this happening to us?
Why didn't I see this coming?
Why did I allow myself to believe that this would all work out so easily last week? The fall would not have been as far if I wouldn't have let myself be so high on the tentative good news
What do we do?
Do we push it up?
Do we wait until he returns in October?
Do we postpone the big wedding and secretly run to the courthouse?
Should we have been planning for that all along?
The one thing that I am not questioning is whether or not we will be married. We will. I am secure in that.
But when? and how?
I know that this may seem silly to some, but the fact is - these are my feelings. They don't need to make sense to anyone but me.
And I am feeling a lot. I feel like all of the time and effort that I have spent planning has been for naught. I feel like this is unfair, and I feel angry. And I wonder if this is a lesson from a greater power than me that I was putting too much emphasis on this one day, or a lesson for some other reason that I do not yet understand. And if this is a lesson about my priorities, or supposed to be, I feel indignant, and that this is so unfair.
This is US. This is not the millions of other couples out there who are not right for each other, or who will end up divorced in two years, this is him and me. The high school sweethearts. The people who have loved each other for so long, and believed in that love, and worked for that love, even when it has been hard, and are ready to pledge to continue doing that until we breathe our last breaths. Why? Why? WHY?
The problem is that I am an action person - I feel the need to do something about this. Sitting around being heartbroken is not my style. Life is tough - get a helmet right? I know that too.
Before the [still] future husband even left his lunch break and our crying session on the couch to go back to school I had already emailed our venue, our church and our photographer seeing what we can do about changing dates, moving deposits and what dates are available. But what else can I do?
There is literally nothing I can do right now. We need to make these decisions, we need to work together to figure out a plan. We will do so. Please believe that we are going to work on this and figure out a solution that we think will be in the best interest of us and all of the people that we love.
"They" say that the hardest job in the military is being a spouse to those in it. And I know, I know that this is just the beginning - but this is what hurts now. Not only do I have to say goodbye to all of the hours of planning that I have done, and to our beautiful summer evening wedding, but I also have to say goodbye to my fiance.
He will not be there with me as we transition into our new life in Norfolk.
He will not be there with me on the day that should have been the happiest day of our lives.
He will be gone.
He will be gone and I don't know what to do with that.
At the moment I am going to take a cue from one of my most beloved literary characters, Katie Scarlett O'Hara (Hamilton Kennedy Butler) and think about that tomorrow. Some may call that denial, I call it coping and compartmentalizing.
Thanks for listening. Or reading. Or whatever. (and for excusing any and all grammar mistakes)
Updates to come - eventually.